I want to disappear. I want to shrink and explore the world as a tiny human. Devoid of any responsibility and pressure to be a mature, reliable, and successful adult. Where there is no loneliness to feel, no desire to be loved with a hungry and fiery passion. Where my friends are the ants, spiders, and mice and we live in fear of the two gigantic fluffy dogs. Where everyday is a fiesta with the scraps of food always left unattended on the table. Where there is freedom to go out and go somewhere else. Be someone else. Learn a new language, read books all day. Where I can fully absorb everything the world has to offer without ever worrying about getting a failing grade. Where I can sneak into people’s luggage and fly off to another place. See the Philippines! Soak in the sun from another hemisphere! Where there is a possibility to experience New York, Tokyo, or Paris. Anywhere but here.
Alas, I hear the sound of the neighbor’s rooster and I shut my eyes tight, in denial of today. The weekend is over.
“What do you guys want to happen? I don’t want to deal with this shit anymore!”
I raised my eyebrows at his stupid face. His stupid, frustrated look was met with my incredulous and shocked expression. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and wipe that stupid, stupid, stupid look on his stupid face.
YOU STARTED THIS, YOU LIAR. If you just said point blank “I like her. I choose her.” then this stupid drama wouldn’t have escalated to this! And what do you mean by ‘You don’t want to deal with this shit’? SO YOU WERE JUST FUCKING WITH OUR MINDS WHEN YOU WERE ACTING ALL FRIENDLY JUST MINUTES BEFORE? You fake fuckers.
I felt a hand grab at my arm. My friend pulled me away from the center of the scene. I was shaking from anger and probably from the alcohol as well. I was pushed to sit down and people were asking what happened. Or maybe offered words of comfort, I don’t know. Everything was a big blur after that.
I grabbed a new bottle from the bucket and took a long swig.