I visited Oakfield a few weeks ago and sometimes I would dare God or Fate to let us meet. I was in a constant state of paranoia thinking I would meet you in the hotel lobby or that seafood cafe we had our first date. Do you remember that day? Sometimes, I fear that all our memories are slipping away in my mind, that’s why I write them down.
I don’t want you to think that this letter has ulterior motives. I don’t want you back. If I did, I would’ve done something about it by now. I know we will never work out for an infinite number of reasons. I’m fine the way I am now. Sometimes, I like to poke at the scab you left while listening to Coldplay but that’s MY choice. My sadness is all mine and you can’t take it away from me.
I read your book and there are parts of it where I felt like it’s me you’re talking about. That’s crazy, of course. You could have been talking about Sabrina or Krisha or even Lea! But still… I want to apologize if I made you feel inferior or anything and believe me when I say that I never did it on purpose. I tried to push you to be better because I knew you were. I believed in you. I knew that you could be better.
Also, those little conversation starters I throw out? That wasn’t me begging for attention. It was me trying to create a new normal for us because even if things got ugly I always hoped that we’d get past that. I’m sorry if it bothered you. It must have been such a pain to be fake friendly to my annoying self.
I had a small emotional breakdown when I read your book. That’s crazy, right? It was pretty much like how Celine reacted to Jesse’s book in Before Sunset. Have you watched that movie? You should. It’s wonderful.
I loved you. I still do, I think. Not as madly as when we were kids but still.. love.
This might be the last time you’ll hear from me. I’ll start trying not to write you any more letters.
All my love,
P.S. Try to listen to this track by The Drums. I love how their lyrics are sad but the beat is joyous. It’s kind of like my feelings for you.