You know what? Reality and love are almost contradictory for me. It’s funny. Every single of my ex’s, they’re now married! Men go out with me, we break up, and then they get married! And later they call me to thank me for teaching them what love is, and, and that I taught them to care and respect women!
You know, I want to kill them! Why didn’t they ask me to marry them? I would have said “No,” but at least they could have asked! But it’s my fault, I know it’s my fault, because I never felt it was the right man. Never! But what does it mean the right man? The love of your life? The concept is absurd. The idea that we can only be complete with another person is EVIL! Right?!
You know, I guess I’ve been heart-broken too many times. And then I recovered. So now, you know, from the start I make no effort because I know it’s not going to work out, I know it’s not going to work out.
— Celine (Before Sunset, 2004)
I should have a boyfriend right now.
Okay, let me rephrase that: I could have had a boyfriend by now.
No, seriously. You see, I had my fair share of guys who tried to be my boyfriend and I swear to God I could’ve been their girlfriend. I swear, I’m not being delusional, or feelingera. They liked me liked me that way. I’m positive. I could’ve flirted back or entertained the notion of an ‘us’ but I didn’t.
Why? It was probably because I only saw him as a friend. Or maybe I still had this notion that he should’ve exerted more effort because I’m a lady who wants to be woo-ed. Or my brain and heart hollered at my vagina that I was only attracted by the idea of getting laid. There have been countless of reasons but most of those reasons played along the lines of… I just didn’t feel like it.
Browsing through my news feed, I realized that now, almost all of the guys who put the moves on me already have girlfriends. Thank you, Facebook for letting me know that the guy I turned down is now having the time of his life. Documented by Instagrams of them hugging, going to out-of-town trips or drinking coffee at some artsy-fartsy coffee shop. Trying to be cool. Puh-lease. HE DIDN’T EVEN LISTEN TO COOL MUSIC BEFORE HE MET ME.
I can’t help but think… what if. What if I let him take me out on that date he kept on bringing up everytime we got together. What if I tried to be more than just a friend to him? Would I be the girl he’s with in all those pictures? Would I be the girl sipping coffee and reading artsy-fartsy books with him?
I’m not jealous. Okay, maybe I am. Just a little bit. I’m not jealous of the girls but I’m jealous that the guys I deemed to be not good enough for me already found happiness and here I am–alone in my room, blogging at 2AM after marathoning the last four episodes of Homeland’s first season.
I mean, you guys get it right? Imagine, you’re single and this perfectly okay-looking person with an okay personality comes up to you and starts flirting with you. You enjoy it for a while then get bored because there’s no spark, no mindblowing explosion of feelings, no heartbeats racing. It wasn’t passionate, crazy, and irrational (because let’s face it, love is irrational). It was just that. Okay. Mediocre.
And don’t all the love songs and romantic comedies say we shouldn’t settle for anything less than what we deserve? Am I doing something wrong with my life?!?!?
It’s a good thing Veronica Mars and Piz have something wise to say about this subject.
Veronica: Like why bother with something that’s not good, cause if it’s not good –
Piz: It’s bad. Exactly. (…) But I figure, you know I know what I like. Why waste my time?
Veronica: Like why bother with something that’s not good, just because it’s something?
Piz: Especially when you know the difference. Which not many people do. I mean, do you?
Veronica: I – I think I do.
Piz: You see I think it’s like 90% of life, just knowing the difference.
(Veronica Mars 3.10 – Show Me The Monkey)