I think my brain is programmed to think about work or the future or the next big thing after four years of education. I still have a year (HOPEFULLY!) of college ahead of me but my brain can’t stop thinking about my future grad dress, my graduation creative shot, my future career, and (I would be lying if I omit this) my future salary. I’m so excited and impatient to go out and work that I seem to be forgetting HOW I’ll be able to do that.
I have zero idea about my thesis, my OJT, or even what classes I’d take on the first semester. Okay, maybe I have some idea. I just can’t face them right now because I’m just so ready to graduate already.
The graduation posts of my highschool batchmates aren’t helping either. The egotistical asshole bitch inside of me throws crazy temper tantrums whenever I see mushy graduation posts because I know I could’ve been one of those. One of them. Batch 2013.
I don’t even know what really happened to me during college. I tell myself (and others) that I left Math because I hated it. I didn’t like it. I can’t see the next three years of my college life being spent inside the cold stone walls of the Math building.
Sometimes, I think that I just didn’t like it because I wasn’t as good as I was before. The disappointment didn’t come from my parents or my friends… it came from me. I hated myself because for the first time in many years I felt so fucking stupid. I wasn’t used to that. I used to be the achiever and I knew that. I prided myself in being that.
Then, the UP gods took one look at me and decided that I needed a slice of humble pie in the form of a five. I couldn’t handle it. I took the easy way out and left.
I didn’t even try. I just left. The UP gods probably had a good laugh about that one.
Still, I’m happy and contented with where I am right now. I don’t know. I just like to torture myself with the what-if’s of life.