No, Lilo. Family doesn’t mean no one gets left behind.

I hate talking about family.

I don’t know if I shared this to anyone, but it always made me uncomfortable. I never had A Picture Perfect or A Dysfunctional Yet Adorable relationship with any member of my family. I never admitted it to anyone (not even to The Person Who Knows Me Best,) but I have always felt a little bit jealous everytime my friends shared anecdotes of how they still love their mom despite her crazy moments or how insanely funny it was when they all played Heart Attack that one time. The closest bonding activity our family had was going out to eat or watch a movie, and even that wasn’t spared from harsh words and crocodile tears from my siblings. The phrases “Nilalabas na nga kayo, ganyan pa ang iaasta niyo…” or “Sa susunod, wag na tayong umalis kung ganyan lang kayo!” always, always gets thrown out. Every. Single. Time.

I thought I was already fine but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. The past few months have been ranging from extremely shitty to mediocre in the family department. I don’t talk about it to anyone, at least, not as much as I want to, because it’s too dragging a topic and I feel like people feel very awkward whenever I bring The Situation up.

I almost cried at McDonald’s Katipunan (OH GOD HOW EVENTFUL THAT PLACE MUST BE EVERY SINGLE DAY) when I mentioned It in passing to my ex but thank God I managed to keep myself together. The last thing I want is people (and by people, I meant, my other friends) thinking I was crying TO AND ABOUT my ex because that would be horrifying, untrue and embarrassing on so many levels.

I guess, for the first time ever, I want to talk about my family. I want to talk about The Situation where I am perfectly sober and not slurring my words. I don’t need advice. I just need someone to talk to about my repressed emotions. I just want to cry hysterically and maybe yell a few (or more) expletives and then maybe I’ll have three or four months of being okay again.

It’s just too much for me right now. I just can’t deal. I can’t keep up. I need to pause for a while and release all of my ignored-for-too-long feelings.


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