The Effects of Caffeine and Our Relationship Playlist

I’ve finished studying for my exam tomorrow and I’m still not sleepy because I drank two thermos-full of coffee. Sara Bareilles is playing on the background and I can’t help but think about you and how we used to be and how fucking happy I was with you. I think about the fact that we never held hands in public. I think about how you recommended the song The Man Who Can’t Be Moved and when I finally got to listen to it I was so confused because what the hell does it mean are you sending me a message or something that you’re regretting your (re)decision to choose her? I think about us never going swimming while we’re together together (I wasn’t allowed by my parents to go to our end-of-the-year swimming thingamajig and you were a bit pissed about that so I promised you that when we get to have our own house there’d be a pool.)

I think about how fucking excited we were everytime there were no classes or half-days. I think about how fucking flirtatious we were and oh my god we were so crazy back then.

I think about how you told me that our child’s name would be Johann but it would be pronounced as Yo-han and I think about how you muttered quietly in your seat (but knowing fully that I can hear you) that you are sure that you’re gonna marry the person you’re dating when our beloved principal was giving sermons about not getting knocked up.

I remember how I cried almost every time when we’re alone and you would always just laugh it off and I couldn’t explain to you how fucking in love I was with you and I hate it that I wan’t able to tell you that because I didn’t know how to or was too scared, I don’t know.

I remember re-reading your blog (that I made for you to use) about us ALWAYS getting back together in the end and how you would always read my posts in my blog or go to my Friendster account. I remember re-reading all your notes and letters a few months after we broke up (and yes, I still have them) and I read a note about us being together forever and degehbjdseg until I become a teacher and you a rockstar.

I still have an envelope full of dried rose petals.

I don’t even know WHY you broke up with me you just gave me this generic reason that ‘things weren’t right anymore’ and I just made things up in my head like how you fell out of love with me or whatever JUST TO KEEP MYSELF SANE and I still want to ask you WHY but I don’t want you to think that I’m still hung up on you or something.

I don’t know if I’m still in love with you or whatever. I think I am, just not as much as before. I don’t cry over you every night and I don’t feel (too) hurt when I think about you and your new new girlfriend or ex or whatever. I am happy where I am right now. I’ve liked people after you but they all turned out to be fucking assholes I mean HOW LUCKY COULD I GET ugh fucking men.

I like someone right now and I hate it that you’re still at the back of my head but I am trying o ignore you I really am! I don’t find the urge to talk to you constantly, blahblah etcetera. I don’t want to screw it up with this guy because he’s really nice and sweet and smart and I like him a lot.

Sometimes I ask myself WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME I mean I could go and flirt with you right now cos you are very much fucking available but it just doesn’t feel right. I think we only have one chance left and I don’t want to waste it now because I KNOW we’re not yet ready or whatever.

Sometimes I wonder if you ever have nights like these when you think about me and how fucked up everything was and how fucking naive we were about things. I wonder if you read my blog or check it out regularly. It’s going to sound totally creepy but I read your blog regularly (LOL lurker) because that’s the only way I can know stuff about you (other info I get from our friends or whatever) and it’s fine IDK whatever

I made you happy right? Even if it was so fucking brief and fucked up I did make you happy? I did. I think I did. It’s prolly one of your ost unforgettable eight months lol EGO PLZ whatever

Ugh eight months. It sounds so pathetic becos we promised each other forever hgrfhewfwef (IT’S SO UGH SWEET AND INNOCENT IT MAKES ME CRINGE JUST THINKING ABOUT IT).

AM I STILL MAKING ANY SENSE OH MY GOD

I can’t believe I wrote 850 words about you oh my god I should get a fucking life

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