In which I talk my feelings out because that’s the only way I can process my emotions.
I can’t help but roll my eyes at all the Father’s Day greetings on my feed.
I tried to not think about the fact that today is Father’s Day and just planned on filling this this day with Drag Race, Queer Eye and junk food. Alas, my Taurus girlfriend just had to nap for a second time today that I am forced to write this down so I can process my emotions.
I can’t really remember if I wrote about my dad before. My relationship with him is pretty complicated to say the least. I was (and probably still am) a daddy’s girl. I love my mom to bits but growing up, I always gravitated towards him. Or maybe that was just how the family functioned — Dad was the one who constantly pushed me towards excellence no matter what or how. This includes painful hidden pinches in public and screaming rituals that ended up with me having huge belt welts on my butt. On the other hand, my mom was there to make sure it never gets too far.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe I have handled corporal punishment well. Or am I that fucked up to think that way? I don’t know, I always believed the rationale behind his actions.
Looking back at it now, he was probably just lost to how to keep his children in line. I say this because he eased up on his last two children. He probably figured out that punishment doesn’t always work because of the next one after me. That resulted to so much unnecessary drama.
It’s so problematic to have two dads. There’s the dad who cooks the best sinigang on the weekends, taught me that using gaas on oslo paper makes it transparent so you can trace shit using that. Then, there’s the guy who put your mom through hell, chose the wrong path to the point that he needs to be isolated from society. How can that person be the same as the one who sang A Whole New World with you when you were five? How can you wrap your head around that?
I haven’t seen him in three years and it makes me feel guilty and I hate that. I shouldn’t feel guilty. He made his choices and that’s why he’s in this position. I need to make my own so that my family, the people he left behind, would have a good life.
I know I should take my time and visit him but what do I say? I’m sorry for being MIA for three years? The first time I saw him after The Incident I didn’t have the opportunity to process all my anger since I knew that’s not what he needed. He needed support. He needed family. So I gave that to him. I gave supporting Redg.
Scrolling through my feed, I am jealous of everyone who can declare that they love their dads. I mean, know I love mine but is it enough to outweigh all the hurt?
So all these feelings of resentment and hurt didn’t go away, it jus stayed bottled inside me with nowhere to go. I had to put a pause in my life and in my dreams to fix the mess he left us in. But does he need to know this? Should I even open this up to him? Would it help me? Would it be, in the words of the Albus Dumbledore and Gellert Grindelwald, be for the greater good?