Me and Father’s Day

In which I talk my feelings out because that’s the only way I can process my emotions.

I can’t help but roll my eyes at all the Father’s Day greetings on my feed.

I tried to not think about the fact that today is Father’s Day and just planned on filling this this day with Drag Race, Queer Eye and junk food. Alas, my Taurus girlfriend just had to nap for a second time today that I am forced to write this down so I can process my emotions.

I can’t really remember if I wrote about my dad before. My relationship with him is pretty complicated to say the least. I was (and probably still am) a daddy’s girl. I love my mom to bits but growing up, I always gravitated towards him. Or maybe that was just how the family functioned — Dad was the one who constantly pushed me towards excellence no matter what or how. This includes painful hidden pinches in public and screaming rituals that ended up with me having huge belt welts on my butt. On the other hand, my mom was there to make sure it never gets too far.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe I have handled corporal punishment well. Or am I that fucked up to think that way? I don’t know, I always believed the rationale behind his actions.

Looking back at it now, he was probably just lost to how to keep his children in line. I say this because he eased up on his last two children. He probably figured out that punishment doesn’t always work because of the next one after me. That resulted to so much unnecessary drama.

It’s so problematic to have two dads. There’s the dad who cooks the best sinigang on the weekends, taught me that using gaas on oslo paper makes it transparent so you can trace shit using that. Then, there’s the guy who put your mom through hell, chose the wrong path to the point that he needs to be isolated from society. How can that person be the same as the one who sang A Whole New World with you when you were five? How can you wrap your head around that?

I haven’t seen him in three years and it makes me feel guilty and I hate that. I shouldn’t feel guilty. He made his choices and that’s why he’s in this position. I need to make my own so that my family, the people he left behind, would have a good life.

I know I should take my time and visit him but what do I say? I’m sorry for being MIA for three years? The first time I saw him after The Incident I didn’t have the opportunity to process all my anger since I knew that’s not what he needed. He needed support. He needed family. So I gave that to him. I gave supporting Redg.

Scrolling through my feed, I am jealous of everyone who can declare that they love their dads. I mean, know I love mine but is it enough to outweigh all the hurt?

So all these feelings of resentment and hurt didn’t go away, it jus stayed bottled inside me with nowhere to go. I had to put a pause in my life and in my dreams to fix the mess he left us in. But does he need to know this? Should I even open this up to him? Would it help me? Would it be, in the words of the Albus Dumbledore and Gellert Grindelwald, be for the greater good?

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lost

Time flies by so fast these days.

Two years ago, I couldn’t wait to be older. I couldn’t wait for my life to finally be mine with responsibility to other people taking a back seat. I couldn’t wait for me to meet that person I’ll spend the rest of my life with because all these fuckboys are just a complete waste of my time. I knew I was wasting my time and I felt like that kind of fun is already enough.

And now I’m here. A couple of months away from my sister’s college graduation, a few years away from welcoming (?) my dad into our lives again. Has it really been six years already since the time I last saw him at home?

I can feel that the time where we can finally rise up from this chaos is so near. So close, I can taste it in the air. My heart skips a beat every time I think about it in anticipation.

Still, when that time comes, I’ll be what? 30? Older, even? The A-type in me can’t help but feel disappointed. At 26, I imagined myself getting weekly trips to the spa, spending a week out of the country with my friends, and being able to eat at a Korean barbecue whenever I god damn want.

No matter how many inspirational quotes I read, the feeling of disappointment never goes away. Regrets creep up. ‘I should never have spent all the money for something I didn’t really need.’ ‘I should have tried harder in college.’

Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t an eats me up and keeps me up at night kind of pain. More like sneakily crawling to you while you’re browsing your Facebook News Feed kind of thing.

There are just #dark days where life slaps you in the face in the form of birthday greetings to a friend reminding you that ‘hey, you’re older than her, grandma.’

No matter how much you tell yourself that people move at different paces and even if you remind yourself of the things you should be grateful for and how much you have really achieved despite the circumstances… you will still feel inadequate.

Life sux.

The Sunday Currently Vol. 11

The Sunday Currently…

L I S T E N I N G to James Reid’s Palm Dreams. GRABE MUMSHIES DI KO KERI TO MAGTA-TAGALOG TALAGA AKO. ETO TALAGA RASON BAT BIGLA AKONG NAPA-POST EH. Ang ganda sobraaa?????? Personal faves would be On Top, Cool Down, IL2LU, Down Low, The Life… CHAROT LAHAT PALA! Grabe James. 😥 I’m so proud of u. Pakinggang niyo na guys dalian niyo.

Runner-ups for would be HAIM’s Something To Tell You (di ko pa nad-digest kasi biglang lumabas yung Palm Dreams eh) and Phoenix’s Ti Amo.

F R E A K I N G  O U T  O V E R our trip to Cebu! It’s going to be my first time on a plane so I will totally act like a kid over everything! Our itinerary still isn’t ironed out so I’ll have to work that out. We do have all our Airbnbs and hotel rooms booked so at least we will have a place to stay for sure. The only con we have with our trip is that WE WILL MISS THE SEASON PREMIERE OF GAME OF THRONES. Here’s to hoping that our Airbnb has HBO.

C R A V I N G Zy’s mashed potatoes. I just ate sinigang (thank u lord #blessed) but why am I hungry again??

W O R K I N G on my papers so I can go back to school. GRABE 27 UNITS NA LANG PALA AKO? I hate my young self for being so stupid but I know that everything happens for a reason. With fingers crossed, I’ll get my readmission done by Tuesday.

W A T C H I N G The Fate of the Furious but then Zy fell asleep. We just finished Cube which was super frustrating especially since Zy wouldn’t let me wiki it in the middle of the movie. Rick and Morty’s season two is also in my to-do list.

(S T I L L?) P L A Y I NG Everwing. How can I not when Zy plays it all the time? I still haven’t evolved a dragon with the same sign. 😥

S U B S C R I B E D  T O channels of Andi Manzano and Mikael Daez. Yung kay Mikael Daez si Megan Young lang talaga pinupunta ko dun eh. Haha.

W O N D E R I N G if Okja is as good as the reviews it’s been getting. My brain is not yet prepared, I think??

P R O M O T I N G my own vlogs! The Happy Eyes are back and we’re venturing out to vlogging HAHAHAHAHAHA

Schoolwork, Tuyo, and Stevie Wonder

She took out all of her books and checked each one if her past-self dog-eared any pages which meant a homework was supposed to be done. A bunch of papers crumpled inside her bag (why is it that she’s so against throwing trash from school in school?) and she checked if anything important was written on them. Pens and pencils were inspected and sharpened; and then, she got to work.

The house smelled like tuyo and she’s willing to bet that the next thing hitting the pan would be scrambled eggs with tomatoes. May it be sinangag and leftover sinigang from last night (a deadly and delicious combo) or suman rolled in sugar or even just tustadong pandesal dipped in coffee – weekend breakfasts are always the best.

Stevie Wonder blasting from the living room component meant it’s a Sunday morning. Her muscles ached from the general cleaning that happened yesterday – bathroom floor scrubbed clean, bookshelves rearranged and dusted, and closets cleaned out and organized. She burrowed further under the covers, repositioning her feet away from the patch of bed warmed by the sunlight streaming through the window. Can’t just the weekend stay here forever?

~*~